PMDD...from one partner to another...

Violence...It's NEVER okay. Assault is never acceptable. Physical Abuse must never be tolerated. PMDD must not be used as a justification or acceptable reason for assault, abuse or violence. If there's violence in your relationship, things need to change. Communication is key. Intervention may be necessary. An emotional discussion is of utmost importance.

Yes, my wife had aggressive tendencies earlier in our relationship. Yes, there have been flare-ups over the years. But we talked about it then and we're STILL talking about it...and it's not easy.

My wife has worked her ass off trying to control those aggressive urges. She said that, having kids, seeing them in her PMDD haze, lessens her potential for unleashing the beast within. However, it increases the likelihood of her hibernating in the basement for hours on end. It's a Catch-22. The kids want to see her but she doesn't want them to see her in that state. She wants to be involved in their weekend shenanigans but fears what might happen should another wave of darkness roll in.

How do we deal?

First of all, we have an agreement. When there's too much Dude chaos, when they're sending her anxiety through the roof, when the stimuli of us is too much, she goes downstairs. She burrows. I'll check on her when I can, asking a simple question - do you need anything? If the answer's no, I leave her, returning to the kids.

When she says to 'leave me alone' or 'go away' or 'get out', I do.

When she says she doesn't want anything, when she tells me she needs her space, I give it to her.

However long it takes, I don't bug her or inundate her with questions or hugs or kisses.

In the nicer weather, she goes for a run. There are days where, she'll walk to the front door in her running clothes say "I'm going for a run" and leave. As she goes, so does the dark cloud that surrounds her.

Self preservation is key. For you and her.

It's hard as hell to see your partner shattered or in a world of hurt. It's even harder to hear her tell you to leave her alone. And it'll seem like the hardest thing ever to walk away, to let her be, to actually hear and accept her words.
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What's my story?

Early in our relationship, as we developed mutual coping mechanisms for her bouts of PMDD, we were very clear with each other - if she wants something, she needs to ask for it. I can't read her mind. If she says she doesn't want anything, I can't get in trouble for not getting her the chocolate bar or ice cream or chips she was thinking of! Either she says what she wants or gets it herself.

Secondly, when she would tell me to leave her alone, I would. No matter how much I wanted to help, I walked away. I went to Starbucks. I went to a pub and watched sports (and ate free peanuts). Yes, I worried. Yes, I was scared. Yes, I struggled to concentrate on the game. But, we had another agreement: when she wanted something or needed something, she'd text me with specifics.

I don't know what went on in our apartment (and later our home) while I was out. Screaming? Yelling? Hitting pillows? Punching walls? I know there'd be stuff on the floor that wasn't there earlier but, I didn't ask anything. I came in, gave her what she wanted (chocolate? hug? bag of dill pickle chips?) and, usually, said nothing. I let her speak first...let her initiate the communication. That told me she was ready to talk...that she was coming out of her state.

Yes, sometimes there's aggression - mostly verbal, with a few bouts of physical over the past 12 years. But I equate it to holding a dog or cat or any animal that doesn't want to be held. It will bite, it'll lash out, it'll hiss, it'll protect itself. I was too close to her. I was asking too many questions. I was giving a hug that wasn't wanted...it just amplified her anxiety and exacerbated her stimuli. I was making things worse by ignoring her words. I didn't listen when she told me to leave her alone. I thought I knew what she wanted. I thought I knew better than her. I couldn't accept that I couldn't fix her. (I know better now!)

So, now, it's on her. If she wants help, she needs to ask for it. If she needs something, she needs to ask for it. If she asks for nothing, that's what she gets. I know, it sounds heartless & mean. But it works for us.

TALK! Honestly.

Finding out what works for you is hard. It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience and a lot of communication. Honest communication. Talking about your feelings. Express the emotional toll her PMDD takes on you (how it drains you, scares you, how you want so much to help but don't know how). Being blunt, straightforward with your ideas. Have a game plan going into the conversation. What do you hope to get out of the conversation? What would make things better for you - tell her how hard it is to see her like that, tell her you want to help her but don't know how - but, for heaven's sake, listen to her words. If she says, in those moments, it's best to leave her alone, do it. If she says, in those times, to put a chocolate bar on the bedside table, have a stash handy to appease the PMDD beast. If she says she wants a punching bag, use a pillow (FYI - those body pillows are tough, sturdy, can be bunched up and squeezed to death!). Lastly, talk about what the two of you should do next time...for the next flare-up. Don't think long term - look at the next month (because, dear friend, the PMDD beast WILL return). I can't lie - it's been 12 years and we're STILL re-evaluating our coping mechanisms!

Say 'I love you' and 'I'm here if you need anything' or 'I'm sorry I can't do more' or 'I'm amazed at your strength to deal with it'...let her know that you recognize her struggle. Words do help. She may not say anything in response, but your words may just seep into her subconscious, letting her know you're there.

Be prepared - somethings will work, many things won't. Get used to it. You're not a failure for trying. Your relationship will be stronger BECAUSE you tried. Your commitment to her is - and always will be - a work in progress. What's successful one month, may fail epically the next. It's okay. The more strategies or outlets or possible solutions the two of you develop, the better off you'll both be.

Our List: (I can't say these will work for you but it'll give a little insight into our realm)...this is still a work in progress and changes with every bout: she plays piano, running (when it's actually nice out), dill pickle chips, Downton Abbey, Star Trek: TNG, Lindt Chili Dark Chocolate, her phone (Candy Crush & some Choose Your Own Adventure games), pillows & blankets (to create her cocoon), nachos, Supernatural, really bad movies like Sharknado 3, disaster documentaries...all of these came through trial and error...basically, stuff that requires little thought, minimal emotional investment (on her part) and can be controlled by her.

Good luck on your quest. Both of you are stronger by your willingness to help. You can do it!

PS - my email, should you have questions or suggestions, if popculture007@gmail.com

PMDD, Totem Poles, Baobab Trees & a Water Pitcher.

PART ONE: You are a Water Pitcher.

A teacher friend of mine gave me this to chew on:

Every morning, you are a pitcher full of water. As the day goes on, as you help, guide, teach, listen, cope with your students (and others), you give some of your water to them. You give of yourself to others.

At the end of the day, who refills your pitcher? How are you replenished?

(I jokingly responded, 'get more beer', which was met with an "I'm serious, Jay" look.)

For guys coping with partners with PMDD, it's a valid question. This is a draining, exhaustive process - for both of you.

With kids, it means having them to yourself - which can be fun, freeing and a great distraction. It also means handling their every need (if they're young) or schlepping them to hockey, soccer, baseball, sleepovers, scouts, playdates, gymnastics...the list goes on.

It also means, depending on the day of the week, handling getting dressed, breakfasts, lunches, suppers, snacks, bath time, bedtime...and all stops in between.

It also means, cleaning, laundry, groceries, cooking, disciplining, maintenance of the home...all while, often, tiptoeing around mommy who's not feeling well.

And all of this before you even think about stuff that YOU need to do...whether work or social or personal or professional...your priorities usually take a backseat to your partner's needs and, if applicable, your children.

PART TWO: Totem Poles.

(I don't feel comfortable appropriating an image of a totem pole for picture's sake.)

A friend said to me, when I explained my situation, "Wow, you really are bottom of the totem pole."

I know he meant it as third place or last place or an after thought. But I see it differently.

The base of the totem pole is:

• at eye height, giving it prominence and importance, so everyone can see it;
• usually the thickest part of the pole, the strongest part of the wood;
• the root of the family story upon which the future tales are built.

The base is the foundation, the strength, the power that holds everything up. It's firmly planted and rooted in the ground, the basis of the family.  

While totem poles have no linear structure or hierarchy to it's progression, the base is seen as having the highest significance. The 'low man on the totem pole' is something to be proud of. Embrace it, knowing that you are the grounded one.

PART THREE: The Baobab tree.

Also known as the "upside-down tree". Or, the Tree of Life.

A tree whose roots are above the ground, stemming from a huge, strong, thick and powerful base. It provides the nutrients and water to itself and the roots reaching for the sky. It stores the energy needed to survive droughts. It withstands the elements and remains standing and visible throughout Africa. It is a symbol of power and strength, upon which the fruits grow. Without it's energy, the roots do not produce its fruit.

Which leads me back to the water pitcher metaphor. The Baobab tree stores water to support the trunk in its branches that are firmly planted in the ground. This are the stores for the base of the tree, while the trunk holds water for the roots in the sky.

(I know, it's the whole upside down thing...which, in itself, is symbolic of our family life).

It's an important question to ask yourself: have you stored water for yourself? where do you go to replenish your water? how do you refill your pitcher?

What do you do for fun? What do you do for yourself? Who or what helps you regain your strength? Friends? Family? The gym? Reading? Writing? Sports? Cooking? Dancing? Hiking? Music (playing or listening or composing)? Whatever it is, embrace it. It's there for you. It's your time.

Need I say, avoid getting pissed drunk or any other potentially harmful behaviours? That won't help anyone or make things any better. It'll do more harm than good.

We support, we nourish, we strengthen. It may not always feel like it, and it sometimes is hard to believe or accept, but your strength as a human, as a partner, as a parent, will strengthen those around you...but never lose sight of the fact that you need an outlet to regroup, regenerate and nourish yourself, storing your energy for the difficult days that will, undoubtedly, arise.